Talking To A Child About Death

If you are concerned about discussing death with your children, you’re not alone. Many of us hesitate to talk about death, particularly with youngsters. But death is an inescapable fact of life. We must deal with it and so must our children; if we are to help them, we must let them know it’s okay to talk about it.

By talking to our children about death, we may discover what they know and do not know - if they have misconceptions, fears, or worries. We can then help them by providing needed information, comfort, and understanding. Talk does not solve all problems, but without talk we are even more limited in our ability to help.

What we say about death to our children, or when we say it, will depend on their ages and experiences. It will also depend on our own experiences, beliefs, feelings, and the situations we find ourselves in, for each situation we face is somewhat different. Some discussions about death may be stimulated by a news report or a television program and take place in a relatively unemotional atmosphere; other talks may result from a family crisis and be charged with emotions.

Long before we realize it, children become aware of death. They see dead birds, insects, and animals lying by the road. They may see death at least once a day on television. They hear about it in fairy tales and act it out in their play. Death is a part of life, and children, at some level, are aware of it.

Religion is a prime source of strength and sustenance to many people when they are dealing with death. But if religion has not played an important role in a family’s life before death, a child may be confused or frightened by the sudden introduction of religious explanations or references. Children tend to hear words literally, and religious explanations that may comfort an adult may unsettle a child. For example, the explanation, “Baby brother is with God now,” or “It is God’s will,” could be frightening rather than reassuring to the young child who may worry that God might decide to come and get her just as He did baby brother.

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Decisions like these have to do with both what is practiced in your family's culture and also your particular child's level of development and temperament. There is no "one right answer." It is important, in considering what to do, to take into account a five year old's capacity to understand death. Here are some things to consider:.

A five-year-old child can't fully comprehend death. She may be able to understand that the person isn't going to be here any more, but she will probably have a much harder time imaging why that might be the case. A common explanation young children come up with is that the dead person does exist somewhere else, like in heaven, in the cemetery, or somewhere far away you could reach by airplane.

What impacts young children most pay when someone dies is the behavior and feelings of the people around them. It is from these responses that children come to understand that death is very important, sad and significantly different from most other events in life. Knowing that children are learning from us during this process can be a motivating force for us to get the support necessary to go through the grief process in healthy ways.

It may be helpful for children to see adults cry. It can be overwhelming for children, however, if adults do all of their grieving in front of their children. It is useful for adults to regularly take private time, time to deal with their own grief. This will enable them to be supportive of their children's feelings during the process.